Biohazard
by Doodleshark
Summary: Based roughly on Resident Evil. Keith, the protagonist, is attacked by zombies and comes across an abandoned mansion infested with monsters. Hilarity ensues. Rated for mild violence and mild language.
1. Chapter One: An Unwelcome Guest

**CHAPTER ONE: AN UNWELCOME GUEST**

Keith was just your ordinary Canadian college student who had just finished watching a zombie movie. He had long, black hair that obscured his eyes and was dressed in a dark-violet turtleneck and a pair of black jeans. Life was good, except for that fact that everyone he met thought he was emo for some reason. He hated that. Plus the zombie movie he had just finished watching sucked.

"That zombie movie I just finished watching sucked!" Keith complained, "The whole 90 minutes was just people shooting zombies and zombies disemboweling people! The scripting was awful, and there was absolutely no plot! And another thing-" Keith's rant was interrupted by a knock on his door. "Wonder who that could be at this hour…" Keith muttered as he pulled himself off of the couch and walked towards the door. "Look," Keith said as he opened the door, "Whatever it is you're selling, I don't want-"

Keith stopped dead in mid-sentence. There, at the door, were three zombies, straight out of the crappy zombie flick he was ranting about barely a minute ago. "…any." Keith finally finished. "Huh. Zombies. Right after I finished watching a zombie movie. What a coincidence." Keith pondered the irony of the situation for a few seconds, then slammed the door shut.

"Holy crap!" Keith yelled in a panic as the zombies quickly broke down the door and began advancing menacingly towards him. "Look guys, I'm sorry I thought your movie was bad. It had some nice moments, like when the woman ran outside the mall to get her dog and had her limbs ripped off and devoured by yourselves. How about we all just forget I even watched the movie at all, eh?" The zombified trio continued to advance unabated. "Alright then, let's not forget! How about you gentlemen just take anything you want? My cell phone! My Xbox 360! My CD collection!" Keith desperately grabbed a CD case from said collection and held it out towards the zombies. "See, this one's… um… Hybrid Theory, by Linkin Park! Great album, actually the best selling album of 2001. Linkin Park also-" Keith was interrupted as one of the zombies swatted the CD out of his hand. "Okay! So you're not huge fans of Linkin Park, but how about…" Keith reached for another CD, "….Billy Talent! Great band, one of the greatest Canadian bands ever in my-" This CD was also swatted out of Keith's hand. "Okay then, how about the Foo Fighters?"

Swat.

"Aerosmith, then?"

Swat.

"The Kaiser Chiefs?"

Swat.

"Rihanna?!?!?"

Swat.

"AAAAAAH!!!!" Keith screamed as he ran from the zombies, straight into the wall… Straight through the wall… Leaving a cartoony Keith-shaped hole in the wall.

…

Somehow I expected something more dramatic and less Looney Toons.

**CHAPTER END**


	2. Chapter Two: Epidemic

(Note: I'm doing Biohazard in short chapters because it is easier to work and release more new content in less time. – _Doodleshark)_

** CHAPTER TWO: EPIDEMIC  
**

"HolycrapholycrapohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod!!!" Keith was panicking as he ran down the street, trying to put as much distance between him and his dorm as possible. "Gotta call the police!" Keith stopped and dialed 911 on his cell phone.

"Hello, you have reached the police," an automated voice answered, "We regret to inform you that all on-duty officers have been turned into flesh-eating zombies, and are currently busy disemboweling the living. Please leave a message after the horrifying moan._ Moooaaaaan_."

"Great!" Keith cried in frustration as he continued walking, "What the heck am I supposed to do-" Keith stopped mid-sentence for the second time that night as he was greeted with the gruesome scene of several dozen zombies, several dozen people fleeing or getting mauled by said zombies, and a Humvee pulling up to the scene. A handful of soldiers stepped out of the truck and ran towards the zombies… only to die comically after slipping on several poorly-placed banana peels.

"…Now. Man, am I getting sick of being interrupted with narration. Oh well." Keith walked over to a dead soldier. "I guess he won't need this anymore…." Keith grabbed an m16 with a grenade launcher on it and slung it over his back. "…Or this…" Keith took a combat shotgun and the keys to the Humvee. "…Or this. Gee, I hope I don't get bad karma for looting these dead people. Nah!" Keith drove the Humvee out of the city and towards an uncertain destination.

**CHAPTER END**


	3. Chapter Three: The Mansion

(Sorry for the delay, but I've been visiting family and playing Team Fortress 2 over the holidays. Plus, this chapter is relatively large. Enjoy!)

**CHAPTER THREE: THE MANSION**

On a lonely country road, a military truck sputtered to a stop.

"Great," Keith muttered, "Out of gas. Now what?"

…

"Um…" Keith cleared his throat, "I said, 'now what?'. Honestly, the narration for this chapter is severely lacking."

Just as Keith finished his sentence, the sun rose, revealing a large mansion hidden in the trees by the side of the road.

"That's better." Keith slung his M16 over his back and stepped out of the Humvee, shotgun in hand. Cautiously, he stepped up to the front door of the mansion and opened it.

* * *

Meanwhile, a few hundred feet behind Keith, a teenager named Marley was walking along. He had brown hair underneath a baseball cap, and was dressed in jeans and a blue t-shirt.

"Man, am I glad I got away from those zombie-type people! Too bad I have nowhere to go. Or any supplies. Ah well, at least I can still sing! Oh, I would walk five hundred miles, and I would walk five hundred more…" Marley sang optimistically as he came upon the mansion, "...Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door! Ah, God I love that song. Ooh, a really big and creepy looking house! Let's go investigate!" Marley walked up to the front door. "I wonder if the people who live here will be creeped out by my constant talking to myself? Oh well." However, as Marley tried to open the door Keith himself opened minutes earlier, he found it mysteriously to be locked.

What the?" Marley was confused by the door's unwillingness to open, "That's weird. I just saw another guy open this door and enter the mansion with no problem. Oh well." Marley turned and began walking away from the mansion, but was stopped in his tracks by several growling noises coming from the nearby bushes.

"Mommy..." Marley whimpered.

* * *

Meanwhile, Keith surveyed the front hallway of the mansion, oblivious to Marley's plight. "Geez, this place is old. Like, old old. Probably-" Keith was interrupted by the sound of a gun cocking behind him."Defended by automatic gun turrets?!?" Keith said in surprise, "That's screwed up!"

"I'm not an automatic gun turret, nitwit." A voice said behind Keith, "Who are you? What are you doing here? What is the capital of Mongolia?"

"My name is Keith, I'm hiding from zombies, and Ulan Bator. What's with all the questions, am I taking a geography exam or something?" Keith replied sarcastically, as he turned to see a boy a few years younger than hi with blond hair and a green shirt pointing a handgun at him.

"Sorry," The boy lowered the gun, "Most of the survivors I've met so far have been completely insane. "Name's Timothy, by the way."

"Oh come on," Keith replied, "I'm sure nobody could be _that_ crazy."

* * *

**  
****CRAZY PEOPLE THAT TIMOTHY HAS MET:**

The shoe guy! Doesn't do anything except for drooling and chewing on a shoe while giggling. "Hee hee... Shoe..."

The box lady! Sits in a cardboard box because, and I quote, "The world is big and scary. The box is small and there is only me..." Will eventually own a company that manufactures Denial Boxes! Now in four different colours!

The butter girl! She figures, "If I'm going to get eaten by zombies, I may as well cover myself in butter so that I taste deliciously yummy and then everyone will love me!'

* * *

"Wow..." Keith said in awe. "Those are some real nuts!"

"I know," Timothy replied. "Anyways, we should-" Timothy was interrupted by a frantic pounding on the front door.

"Hm..." Marley pondered, "So, there are wolves that are going to eat me if I stay outside, and the door to the mansion is locked. I don't have any weapons or any way of defending myself, and I can't run for it because the wolves are faster than I am. Hm..." Marley spent several seconds mulling over the situation, then snapped his fingers. "I've got it! I'll pretend I'm a vegetable! Then the carnivorous zombie wolves won't want to eat me! No wait, that won't work." Marley sighed, "My broccoli impression is terrible. Wait, I have a better idea!" Marley began frantically pounding on the front door. "HEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!"

**CHAPTER END**


	4. Chapter Four: An Annoyance Knocks

(To the three people who are reading this (you know who you are!): Sorry for the big delay in getting the next collection of words barely long enough to be called a chapter up, but exams suck. Luckily, I'm done writing them... until June. Until then, enjoy!)**  
**

**Chapter Five: An Annoyance Knocks****  
**  
"HEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!"

"SHUT UP!!!" Keith yelled in annoyance, "God, what's you problem? A simple 'Please open the door,' would have sufficed!"

Marley rolled his eyes and continued to pound his fists against the door. "Well excuuuuuuse me for being cornered by a pack of wolves that want to feast upon my delicious flesh!"

"Can you prove that you're sane?" Timothy shouted over the sound of Marley pounding on the door.

Marley blinked and stopped hitting the door. "Sane? You mean, not dumb? Like, 2 2 fish?"

"Wait!" Marley began hitting the door again, "Umbrella Doorknob! Scissors Sausage! Secret sauce apocalypse! I don't wanna get eaten! I'm too salty!"

"Sorry, no can do."

"...Please open the door?"

"Well, since you asked so nicely..." Keith yanked open the door just long enough for Marley to get in, then hurriedly shut it. Keith then felt a shiver run through his body. "Huh. Somehow I get the feeling I just did something I'll regret several times over."

"Yay!" Marley hugged Timothy, "Now we're best friends forever, right? And we'll do best friend stuff together, right? And we'll-"

"Get off me, jerk!" Timothy gave Marley a quick bonk on the head to accentuate his point.

"Yeah... I'm gonna regret this pretty much for the rest of my life..."

CHAPTER END


End file.
